Defining Moments

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  • Elle Jay

Updated: Apr 2


PART 1 OF 2

rebirth

noun re·birth \(ˌ)rē-ˈbərth, ˈrē-ˌ\

: the process of being reincarnated or born again.

: the action of reappearing or starting to flourish or increase after a

decline; revival

Source: Google

Suicide.
Suicide.
The day I almost died.
But He promised me LIFE.
Life that came with a price that I did not understand then…

That was it. I wanted my life to be over. I was done putting up with the nonsense. I was hurt and ashamed. I felt very low, and, as the cliché goes, “I was sick and tired of being sick and tired”. I had low self-esteem. I saw no value in me or who I could potentially be. I had no self-worth. I certainly had no care for my life or the many people I would hurt by this act. My life was not going the way I felt it should go so I said, “this is it!” I am done. I am through with my life.


You may have wondered: How can this be? You? Really, you? The strong one? The accomplished one? The one who had it all together? The one who graduated with accolades? The one who had a decent upbringing? The one who seemed to be enjoying the “good life”? The one whom many others loved? The one who never showed signs insinuating that he or she was struggling with life? The one who is always doing well? The one who is a whole lot of fun to be around? The one who is bold? The one who is quiet and reserved? The one who is educated? The one who is successful? The one who has this and that?


The one who you thought would never think of committing something like this? The one…? The one…? The one…? You fill in the blank.


But the truth is, I was the one who almost committed suicide. The one who showed no signs of the self-hate, anguish, and hurt held deeply within me. Yes, it is true. There was a time that I wanted no more life on this Earth. I wore a mask of contentment while my life was about to be voided out. I was without purpose, vision, drive and ambition. My dreams became non-existent. There was no one there to pull me out of my selfishly motivated frame of mind and state of being.


At least, this is what I thought.


I believe many people may agree that life hands us plenty of challenges or weak moments. Some of these challenges or moments of weakness may seem unbearable, unfair, not cool, or too hard to overcome or navigate around. But why?


Is it because we apply too much pressure on our individual abilities, and not enough trust on the One who promises us an abundant life? Is it because we are so wrapped up in our own emotions that the beauty of life is blurred out by a myriad of sorrowful occurrences?


Or, is it simply because we do not understand how our weaknesses produce strength?


Or, could it be because we do not understand what can be birthed as a result of pain, suffering, or being placed outside of our comfort zone?


Think about it…


Life that came with a price that I didn’t understand then.
See, I knew Him
…but it was through them.
My spiritual life lived vicariously through them.
…but I didn’t know and, at times, I didn’t want to know that it had to come from within.

So, my labor was induced as I walked around this world waiting for birth to take its place between my loins. I fell in love – head over heels in love with a man who was intelligent, witty, and strong. He knew scripture, which was a plus, and was popular, which I could have done without. His intellectualism drew me in and his persistence made me his girlfriend.


However, my pride combined with his pride made for nothing short of a brisk walk of young love, which rapidly grew into a disastrous run of mixed emotions, disappointment, dishonesty, and hurt. He filled my emptiness of low self-esteem and made me feel as if I was the only woman for him. While yearning to win all of his heart, and to be his one and only contender, I lived challenged by the defeat of not knowing God’s love for myself.


…I wanted no more life on this Earth,
largely because I relied on him
No not Him, but him
him that was more than a friend; he was my lifeline
He was not my husband nor Christ, but I depended on him to…
fill my every void, cure my low self-esteem, and carry me through…

It was him. Him who gave me what I could not give myself, so I relied on him to become more than a friend – a position that only God should have. I saw and believed in his potential. We broke up then got back together. Each time we rekindled the flames, the contractions of this weathered union became unbearable to endure.


My life silently declined and perspiration drenched my heart from within. The sweat dripped slowly into a tucked away bottle of emotions, reflective of my own self-inflicted contempt. It was this moment that I felt forced to bypass the epidural and chose to feel all of the pain in silence. After all, I had too much pride to admit that I had lost control of my life and was internally screaming for someone to revive me.


It was time to push… push him and everyone away, without saying my goodbyes. I did not want anyone to know why. Life was too hard. I just could not take it anymore.

But God.

God, who I had forgotten, showed up.

God, who I did not know for myself, showed up.

God, whom I was in a pseudo relationship with, showed up.


God, who made it clear to me that He is my ultimate lifeline, showed up like a doctor tending to the needs of a mother experiencing the most life-threatening and excruciating contractions. It was as if God spoke to me and said, “Oh no, my love. I promise this is not the end. Your story begins again…”

He promised me [and you] LIFE—a life that comes with a price, which we should make a conscious effort to understand and embrace.

Consider this: the prices we pay through various life-induced challenges are merely opportunities to be revived or to gain an increase of blessings (beyond material or physical blessings). In a sense, it is our “rebirthing” process... to be continued.


Part 2 of 2 will be published on my birthday (August 18th). In the meantime, reflect on the challenges you have endured in the past. I am sure your challenges led to the birth of something great inside of you.


Leave a comment and share your greatness. It is sure to be a blessing to others and me. See you again on the 18th!


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